And I LOVE it!

I wish I could take a semester off uni, I just don’t seem to be giving it that focus that is needed at the moment. My mind is constantly on other things and uni is always pushed off to the side…

I promised myself I wouldn’t fall for another guy so fast and so soon, all of my friends told me to make sure this didn’t happen because it would be the worst thing that could happen at this point. I guess my heart had other plans.  

Lets keep having fun together :)

Katie, don’t cry, I know
You’re trying your hardest
And the hardest part is letting go
Of the nights we shared 
Ocala is calling and you know it’s haunting
But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright
And when we look to the sky, its not mine, but i want it so

Let’s not pretend like you’re alone tonight
I know he’s there and
You’re probably hanging out and making eyes
while across the room, he stares
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
And ask my girl to dance, she’ll say yes

Because these words were never easier for me to say 
Or her to second guess
But I guess
That I can live without you but
Without you I’ll be miserable at best

I like this feeling.

I feel like I am disappointing everybody I know. I feel trapped inside my own head, how did I let this happen. I feel worthless, like I am unable to achieve anything. The last few months have been really hard for me, things with my brother coming to a head and then exploding, as they exploded my mother seemed to loose all sense of reason for a few weeks, and my father, as amazing as he is, is caught up in his own journey to recovery he doesn’t realise. Then of course there is James. I was really relying on PACE to give me a way out this uni break, go away get some perspective back, I really had planned my entire life around it. Not being accepted was such a self esteem blow, it’s left me feeling vulnerable, unable to achieve and succeed even something I truly have my heart set on. Getting into honours for Psychology is extremely hard and competitive, but I have always been understand this deluded illusion of ‘Oh it’ll it right, i’ll get it’ but that’s not true. It is more than likely I won’t especially if I continue to address my studies with this half assed approach I am now. When that day comes and I am NOT accepted so my entire undergrad degree was almost pointless, I imagine it will be extremely shattering. I hope there is will support for me when that day comes. I wish I had a stronger support group at the moment. I wish I had a bestfriend, I really do miss that, after highschool I lost so many friends, friends i never expected to loose, my bestfriends.   Having said that, I know there are people, despite having someone else they identity as there ‘bestfriend’ would be there for me if i turned to them. But instead I continue to wallow is this horrible feelings.

I don’t even know how I made all of these links, and this is written extremely poorly, it is just one poorly expressed thought after another. Giving somewhat of an indication what is going through my head at this moment.

It will get easier yes? I am just in so much pain right now. I didn’t realise how much I was relying on you…

It was at this hour, when the rest of the world sleeps that we used to have the most amazing conversations. I think that is what I miss most, always having someone to talk too. It is times like this that my mind wants me to go back to you but my heart is screaming no. I know I would just settle back into the same routine and soon become restless, I would eventually end up breaking your heart and my own all over again. 

I just wish I had someone here to support me at the moment. But even the people closest to me don’t seem to have time to continue hearing about my trivial thoughts. This is such a horrible mess of feelings to have without having someone to express them all too. 

Where did everybody go?

…